Homosexuals Anonymous
by Lotten
Summary: A terrible mistake has been made, but Remus' parents won't listen. They're sending him off to Dolores Umbridge's rehab for homosexuals. But where lies the real sickness? In the inhabitants, or in the place itself? WARNING: MAY CONTAIN HETEROSEXUAL LOVE XD
1. We're here to help you

_Yeah, well, so this is what happens if you watch "But I'm a cheerleader" in the middle of the night while eating something with sugar in it. If I'd been watching something stupid, like "Miss Secret Agent", I'd probably have just started a world war or something (too much stuff like that makes me violent) but as it is now, I started on another fiction. Hoorah. Or not._

_And I don't own the Harry Potter characters, and large parts of the plot (and the soundtrack) are of course stolen from "But I'm a cheerleader", but the rest has been up to my twisted little mind to put together. Enjoy._

* * *

**Chapter One**

**We're here to help you**

"_Hang up the chick habit  
Hang it up, daddy,  
or you'll be alone in a quick  
Hang up the chick habit  
Hang it up, daddy,  
or you'll never get another fix_

_I'm telling you it's not a trick _

_Pay attention, don't be thick  
or you're liable to get licked_

_You're gonna see the reason why  
when they're spitting in your eye  
They'll be spitting in your eye"_

_-_ April March, Chick habit_  
_

* * *

Remus sat in the car, still unable to get how he had ended up there. The previous day kept coming back to him and hitting him over the head, no matter how hard he tried to throw the thoughts away. Boomerang-thoughts.

"_Sweetheart, we think you might be gay…"_

He was so angry with his parents, so disappointed with his friends, and he didn't understand why Patty had agreed to all this…

"_Come on, Remmie, you don't even like to kiss me!"_

Okay, so he might not be that keen on spending every moment alone with her making out. She should be thankful! That just proved that he valued her intellect more than he did her body. And what did he get for that? He got accused for being a faggot.

"_We on Healing Hands Centre know how easy it is to be tempted by the gay lifestyle. But don't you worry, Remus. We're here to help you."_

And now he was sent to the middle of nowhere, to some kind of rehab-centre where they were going to cure him from being something he had never been. He was going to get locked up with a lot of people with real problems, and they all seemed to think they were doing him some kind of favour. It was maddening.

"_It's only for a couple of months…"_

The car pulled in by a large building that obviously had been painted by a madman. The combination of bubblegum pink and baby-blue on every available surface was enough to make one sick. Remus' father and mother were already out of the car, waiting for him. The air of anxious cheerfulness that they radiated made him want to scream, but he still got out of the car and followed them, head drooping in defeat.

"Welcome! We're so glad to see you here at the Healing Hands Centre!"

Remus' prayers for this to be a nightmare intensified to the tenfold.

The voice was syrupy sweet, and it came from a vision of _Pink_. In the midst of it, the core that the pinkness seemed to circulate around, was a short, round woman of perhaps thirty-five or so, with a brisk little smile that didn't reach the large, froglike eyes that watched him shrewdly, coldly.

"My name is Dolores Umbridge, and I am the founder of the Healing Hands Centre! Don't you worry; we will make a real man of you yet!" She gave a strangely girlish little giggle that set Remus' teeth on edge. She then turned to his parents and proceeded to talk to them like Remus wasn't even there. "You're lucky you sent him here now, it's clearly almost too late. When they reach a certain age, they sadly aren't open anymore to friendly, helping influences from people who know better than them. And then, of course, many are lost when they're sent to college. You wouldn't believe if I told you what a breeding-ground of perversity that is. Ah, well, we'll be able to save this one, at least."

Once again she fired off a sweet little smile at the world in general, sickening in its absolute lack of sincerity or warmth. Remus shuddered.

The door of the house – pink, with a blue-tinted window – opened, and a man stepped out, dressed in the same awful shade of blue as approximately 50 per cent of the house. Over his chest the words 'Straight is great!' were written in large, dark-blue letters. His eyes were slate grey and his hair was a remarkable shade of white blond, cropped short in a way that definitely didn't suit him. Remus recognized him as the man who had been present the day before, during the most humiliating hours of his life, and bared his teeth at him.

Umbridge's smile brightened some lux.

"This is Lucius Malfoy, he helps me out with educating the boys. He'll be in charge of teaching young Remus here everything he needs to know.

Lucius was followed by a somewhat younger man, also dressed in blue. He had vivid red hair, a well-toned body and smiled at Lucius in a way that went a little bit beyond 'friendly'. Umbridge gave a little polite cough, and he immediately turned his attention to the newcomers, hefting up Remus' bags and shaking hand with his father.

"And this is my son, Khanan. He is 'the man of the house' so to speak, helping out with all those little tasks that a lady cannot manage on her own." Once again she giggled her shrill little giggle, and Remus dug his nails into the palms of his hands.

"Well" said Umbridge, and the look in her eyes became somewhat feral "I think I'll take him from here."

So he was told to be a good boy, kissed on the cheek by his mother and patted on the shoulder by his father, and abandoned. Umbridge clutched his arm and firmly steered him inside, saying something about at video, but Remus wasn't listening. He was madly looking for ways to escape this, and to his great despair found none.

* * *

The video had been about some guy named Tim who at age 18 was 'recruited into the homosexual lifestyle'. Apparently, he had become a sex-toy to an abusive boyfriend, always coming back for more, but after 'rediscovering his masculinity' at the Healing Hands Centre, he managed to become the heterosexual he had always wanted to be, and gotten married. Remus' analytic and critical mind had great difficulties believing the credibility of the video, but he didn't mention it to Umbridge. He had a feeling that if he just played along, he'd be out of there much sooner.

After then having listened to a long lecture about the five-step program Umbridge had created, she smiled at him and said, "It's going to be very difficult, of course, but it is worth the sweat and tears to know that you no longer are a pervert. Now, you'll meet one of our other soldiers. James!"

Just like Lucius and Khanan, he was dressed completely in blue, and he looked like he felt just as uncomfortable with the whole situation as Remus did.

"This is James Potter. He is going to show you around and inform you of the rules. Well, go along! You'll need to get acquaintanced to each other!"

James shook his hand and grinned, looking a bit embarrassed and muttering something about following him. As soon as they were out of the room, he breathed a loud sigh of relief. "Thank god! I hate the way she keeps staring at us!" He looked a lot more relaxed now, and spoke with an easy confidence that Remus envied. "So, as you heard, I'm James Potter."

"What are you in for?" Remus wondered sarcastically, and James laughed.

"Quite straight to the point, aren't you? Well, let's say my folks thought I got a bit too kissy-feely with the quidditch-team. You know, after matches and so on."

Remus thought that sounded completely mental. "But… isn't that what you do? Like, hug and kiss when you win?"

For a short moment, James looked a bit grim. "Well, not according to my parents, it ain't." Then he brightened up again, shrugging. "I just play along, really. If you just nod and smile, you can usually keep that horrible woman happy, and Lucius isn't that bad. Of course, there are people that won't be happy with that… You'll notice."

They came to a halt before a huge whiteboard (or pinkboard, rather), with all of their names neatly written in horizontal columns. The vertical columns were named "Step 1", "Step 2" and so on. "Step 1" had been ticked off for everyone except Remus.

"Step one was easy" James said. "'Admit that you're a homosexual'."

"But I'm not!" Remus protested.

"Lie" said James simply. "They don't really care if YOU believe in it. They will, anyway, and that is no matter what you tell them. Believe me. It's easier that way."

"But it feels wrong to claim to be something I'm not" Remus muttered.

"Tell me about it. But hey, at least _we_ don't actually have problems, now do we?"

"_I_ don't have a problem with who Iam, Potter. It's the rest of the world that does."

Someone swept past, angrily, and gave Remus a quite forceful shove on the way. James frowned after the retreating back.

"Severus Snape. Worst arsehole – pardon the pun – we've got here. He honestly deserves a good clap around the head." He glared after the other boy some more, and then shrugged this off as well. "Come on, I'll show you the dorm."

It was blue. Blue beds, blue walls, blue curtains. Remus guessed that it was supposed to be decorated in a 'manly' fashion, but for the paintings of cars hanging on the walls and the axes over the door there was only one word:

**Overkill.**

There were two other boys in the dorm. One of them was reading something, oblivious of the rest of the world. The other one was polishing his nails. He looked up and nodded at them when they came in, then turned his attention back to his hands. He was very handsome, Remus noticed. _Very_ handsome.

"Our dorm. No inappropriate behaviour allowed." James winked and grinned.

Remus blinked.

"Inappropriate? Like swearing?"

"No, inappropriate like fucking" said the handsome boy, without even looking up from his nails. "You get caught in the throes of a sodomy, and _au revoir!_" He smiled crookedly, and suddenly he was staring at Remus, studying him intently. "It's such a shame, don't you think?"

* * *

Remus had seriously thought that meetings like this one only existed in movies and weird comics, but yet here it was, in all its parodic glory. They sat in a circle, in pink chairs, of course – he was getting used to the warped colouring. There were girls there as well, dressed in bubblegum-pink clothes that looked like they belonged to someone's grandmother. Remus felt rather sorry for them.

Umbridge was standing by another large pinkboard, ready to take notes, smiling a wide, cheerful smile that made you feel that she was going to go for you throat as soon as you looked away. Lucius was leaning against the opposite wall, looking like he didn't have a trouble in the world. Remus _hated _him.

"Well, then, let's introduce ourselves!" Umbridge chirped happily.

James stood up. "Hi, my name is James and I'm a quidditch-player. I'm a homosexual." He sat down, rolling his eyes at Remus when Umbridge wasn't looking.

A black-haired boy with a sharp face and an unpleasant sneer followed suit. "I'm Severus Snape, I like _pain_, and I'm a homosexual."

"I'm Sirius Black and I like boys… a lot" The handsome boy winked at Remus. "And… I'm a homosexual." He faked a sad, concerned expression that Umbridge, from what Remus saw, completely fell for, hook, line and sinker.

The last boy in their room stood up, smiling shyly at Remus. "Hi. I'm Peter Pettigrew, I like dancing, and I'm a homosexual." When he sat down, Remus noticed the light in the room catching on something. Pink nail-polish, to be precise. Peter saw him staring, and immediately hid his hands, blushing guiltily.

"My name is Janna Summer, I'm studying to become a lawyer, and I'm a homosexual." She had bob-cut, auburn hair and was almost as tall as Sirius.

"Clarice McCarter. Kick-boxer, female rights activist, lesbian." Her hair had obviously been shaved off, for she only had golden fuzz covering her head like a halo. Her blue eyes were direct and kind, and when she smiled at him, Remus noticed that half of one of her front teeth was gone.

"Nannette Klein, Jewish h-homosexual." This girl looked like she wanted very badly to just run away from there.

"Lily Evans, I like horses, and I'm _bi_sexual" Umbridge gave her a stern look and cleared her throat in that hateful way – Hemhem! – and Lily sighed deeply in obvious exasperation. "All right, all _right._ Homosexual. There! Happy?"

"Good!" Umbridge clapped her hands together. "See, Remus? See how easy it is, once you admit it? You only have to face that you have a problem, and you'll be on your way to be cured once and for all!"

Remus decided to at least try. "But I'm not gay" he said. "I'm sorry, but I'm not like the rest of you. There's nothing wrong with me."

Umbridge's smile didn't even waver. "That's a _perfectly normal_ way to start! But let's talk about the things that alerted your friends and family, shall we?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "But it's so _stupid_. I… I have some pictures of guys in my room. I have a pink plush-puppy named Snuffles. I like hugging my friends. I have a painting of an orchid over my bed, and dad found out that 'orchis' in Greek means 'testicles'. I'm a vegetarian."

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Lily asked.

"Yes" Remus answered firmly. "Her name is Patty, we've been going steady for two years. She is has a lovely personality, she's funny, intelligent…"

"And she's the sexiest girl I've never seen naked" Sirius drawled, earning some stifled giggles. Remus glared at him.

"Just because I don't feel ready to have sex with her…"

"Don't feel ready? How long did you say that you've been together with her?" Clarice was looking at him incredulously.

"Two years" Remus replied testily. "And I really love her."

Lily, Clarice and Sirius, paparazzi-style:

Lily - "Well, does she make you horny?"

Clarice - "Do you feel anything when you touch her? Anything at all?"

Sirius - "Does she make you hard?"

Remus just stared at them. And then, slowly, there was a sinking feeling, like his stomach dropping away. In fact, he _didn't_ feel anything when she touched him. She often tried to do things with him, but it just made him feel awkward, and it always ended with him pushing her away. He'd never thought about it, really…

_Not ready!_

But he was seventeen, wasn't he? Wasn't he supposed to be interested, at the very least? So why wasn't he? Unless…

Unless they were right.

Unless he was a… a…

"Homosexual…" Remus whispered, and he couldn't believe that this was happening to him.

"We didn't quite catch that, dear" Umbridge said, leaning closer.

"But…" Remus floundered wildly for anything that might save him. "_Everyone_ looks at other guys, right? We all look at each other…"

"Yeah, but maybe they're not thinking what you're thinking" Severus said, leaning back and looking quite amused. "Did you ever think about that, princess? Or did you just assume that they do?"

Remus felt himself begin to tremble. He looked helplessly at James, but the other boy was watching him with mix of sympathy and pity in his eyes. It was quite clear that he, too, was convinced.

_Oh dear god!_

"I'm… a homosexual" Remus whispered, barely believing what was actually coming out of his mouth. "I'm a homosexual!"

"Well done!" Umbridge said, patting him on the shoulder. "_Group hug_!" she announced, and soon Remus was enveloped in a collective embrace, but he didn't hear the encouraging mumbles from his fellows. They were all drowned out by his own voice, echoing loudly and with painful clarity in his brain:

_They were right!_

* * *

Afternoons were free. That is, they were allowed to lounge about the premises of the house doing nothing. It was quite nice in comparison to the meetings.

Clarice stretched her legs and buried her naked toes in the grass.

"You never told us how you ended up here, Peter" she said, giving the blond boy a shrewd look. "So spill it. We all have to owe up, you know."

Peter blushed a bit. "I got… uhm… caught…"

"Oh, the drama!" Sirius threw himself down on his stomach Remus' side, leaning his chin in his hands and twining his legs together. "Tell us more!"

"Well… I had sort of been out quite late… and I was sneaking back in, trying not to wake my parents. But they did. Wake up, that is."

"Well, nothing odd in that" James intervened, looking puzzled. "I mean, if that makes you gay, then I know very few teenagers that aren't."

"Well, no…" Peter conceded. "It was more the fact that I was wearing… a dress…"

Clarice stared at him, then burst out laughing, giving him a quick hug. "That _is_ a bit of… of a giveaway…" she managed to gasp.

Remus was staring at Peter. "That must've been so embarrassing" he mumbled, trying his best to let only his sympathy show, and not that vague wave of horror he had felt just a second ago.

Peter shrugged. "I didn't really have time to be embarrassed. Mother started screaming and I was trying so hard to make her stop and listen to me that I forgot how awkward it was."

"What happened to your dad?" James wondered.

"He… uhm, well, he sort of fainted." Peter sighed sadly. "He hasn't said a word to me since. I don't think he ever will forgive me."

"But if you're cured he might" Remus said, trying to sound cheerful. Peter gave him an incredulous look.

"Cured? I don't want to be cured. I'm happy as it is. I'm just here to keep my mother from blowing her fuses completely."

Remus opened his mouth, and then shut it again, not knowing what he was going to say to that. He had thought that the people going here – those people that actually _were_ ill – would be dying to be cured.

He knew he was, at any rate.

Peter was still looking at him, and there was a sudden spark of anger in his blue eyes. James cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"So, Clarice, how did you end up here?" he asked.

She grinned, gesturing at herself. "Need you ask? Looking like this is enough for anyone, isn't it? A shaved head and hairy legs is enough proof of the most depraved kind of lifestyle, according to my parents."

"But are you really… well, you know…?"

"A lesbian? Yes. But what that's got to do with how I look, I don't know." She gave James a scrutinizing look. "But if you're gay, I'm going to eat Peter's dress."

"How did you know I'm not?"

" '_I can see a church by daylight'_ " she quoted. "It's obvious. You just aren't. You don't look at the other guys in that way, for starters." She smiled at his puzzled expression. "But how in the world did you end up here?"

James shrugged. "I kissed a guy. Not a tongue-kiss or anything. Just a friendly kiss because we won a match. But it sent my parents in a right spin." He rolled his eyes. "It isn't like I don't kiss the girls on the team as well. It has nothing to do with… well, you know, real kissing, but try to get my dad to understand that."

Sirius gave him a sly smile. "Feeling misunderstood, do you?"

"Well, you try being cured from something when you don't have it."

"You try being cured from something that you _are_" Peter said. "You try being told that something you cannot help is wrong."

James shrugged. "I don't know about that. I just know that I'm not supposed to be here. And if my friends on the team find out about this…"

"Maybe you have the wrong kind of friends" Sirius suggested. James glared at him.

"Look, if we just all tried being a bit supportive…" Remus said desperately, but was interrupted.

"Really? Well, if you want to hold hands and sing _'We shall overcome'_ then you start. Meanwhile, I'll stick to being honest. And this sucks." Sirius jumped to his feet, stalking off. James stared after him.

"What crawled up his arse and died?"

Clarice laughed. "Nothing in a long while. I think that's his problem."

* * *

Night was falling. Remus sat on his bed with his knees pulled up to his chest, staring out the window at the starry blackness that unfolded and covered the sky outside. He felt out of place and quite miserable, and he longed for his bed at home, longed for the familiar scents of his own sheets and the pleasant murmur from the TV downstairs.

A bird called outside the window. A radio was playing somewhere. The room smelled sharply of some kind of disinfectant.

"The first night here is awful."

Remus turned to see Peter sitting down on the bed next to his, dressed in a terrible light-blue flannel pyjama. He obviously saw him staring, for he smiled a bit wryly. "I usually sleep naked, and that _'isn't what we do_ _on the Healing Hands Centre'_" He mimicked Umbridge's girly voice. "So I got to borrow this one. Ghastly, isn't it? I do look terrible in fair colours." He looked down on himself in distaste.

Remus didn't know what to say, so he just wrapped his arms tighter around his legs and bit his lip. Peter sighed. "Look, I'm sorry if I was a bit snappish today. It's not personal, I promise. It's just that I've heard enough of this _latent heterosexuality_ mumbo-jumbo to last me a lifetime."

"But maybe it actually works…" Remus said, unable to keep the hope out of his voice. Peter shrugged.

"Well… That depends on if you actually think that there's something wrong with it."

"You don't?"

"No." He looked up and met Remus' gaze steadily. "I seriously don't."

"But it's not… natural…"

"Should I tell you how many animals there are that have been documented to have homosexual behaviour? There is actually a whole species of apes where every individual is born as a bisexual. But either way, does it really matter?" He looked upset, and his voice was trembling as he spoke. "Does it matter if it's natural or not, as long as we don't hurt anyone? I mean, I know that I can come up with a dozen things right now that are more harmful than loving someone of the same sex."

Remus gaped, struck dumb by the sheer force of the anger and aggravation that for a moment saw a glimpse of in the other boy's eyes, that he heard hints of somewhere in his voice. Floundering wildly for something to say, he finally managed to mumble: "Well, maybe… maybe it's harmful for us… to be… well, like this…"

"You really are sweet as fcking pie, aren't you?" This time it was Severus speaking. He was standing in the doorway, sneering at Remus as if he found his very existence offensive. "You want to hear what's harmful, princess? Harmful is being locked up in this madhouse with that _woman_ spouting psycho-babble at us all day long. Harmful is getting brainwashed every day until you actually believe that the only normal thing for a man to do is spitting, swearing, hitting things, passing air and grabbing you genitals. _This thing_ is harmful." He held up something that looked embarrassingly much like a dildo. "Know what this is, princess? This is AVY. Aversion therapy. Every time you think naughty things about boys, you shock yourself with this." He pressed a button on the thing in his hand, and the end of it lit up with a buzzing sound. "A shocker. So every time you have those thoughts, you feel that pain." He smiled nastily.

Remus was shocked. "That is sick!"

"No pain, no gain" Severus said simply. "You want to stop liking dick? You better be prepared for a lot of pain." And with that, he disappeared into the bathroom.

Peter made a rude sound. "Really. He's such a charmer, don't you think?" He smiled wickedly at Remus. "Anyway, you shouldn't mind him. I mean, it's not like _he_ uses that thing to cure himself."

"And what does he use it for?" Remus wondered.

"You're so innocent that it's sweet" Peter replied, and Remus got a feeling that he was laughing at him. "He uses it for pleasure. Didn't you listen today? The guy's a masochist. He _likes_ pain. So if you hear some strange noises coming from his bed tonight, you'll know what it is."

Remus' look of utter confusion eventually turned into shock and revulsion, and he blushed so deeply that Peter had to hide a grin behind the palm of his hand. "You mean that he… that he… Oh, god…" He buried his face in his hands.

"Here. Earplugs." It was James. He threw two small, yellow cylinders over at Remus' bed. "It helps you keep your sanity intact."

"Only if you wear them when Umbridge is talking" Peter said. James raised his eyebrows, but didn't comment. "Me, I don't really mind those noises" Peter continued. "I mean… it's really quite hot."

Remus really wished that he hadn't heard that. Maybe he should keep those earplugs in the whole stay here? The thought was very, very tempting.

* * *

_A/N: Okay, so I've stolen some lines from the movie, as you see. For example, I didn't come up with the "straight is great", nor the phrases that Sirius and Severus introduced themselves with. But I don't have the energy to point out every little quote I've used, so I won't. Deal with it._


	2. I'm a lumberjack

**Chapter Two**

**I'm a lumberjack…**

"_Give her the time, she'll know you mean it  
make up her mind, throw in her feelings  
Open the door, have her jump through it.  
She feel in love, how could she do it? _

Do you know, do you know what you're missing?  
What you're missing will show if you should try to kiss her.

Crazy galore, you wouldn't do it  
Seen it before, looks like you blew it."

_- Dressy Bessy, You should try to kiss her_

* * *

"Okay, boys, time to rise and if you don't shine while you do it I'm going to have you do push-ups right here on the floor! One, two, three, four!"

Remus sat up, looking groggily around himself to see what was making that infernal noise. It turned out to be Lucius, standing in the middle of the room with his well-toned arms crossed over his chest and yelling orders at the half-dormant group of boys.

"I don't see no action happening, Snape!" he hollered, as Severus tumbled out of his bed without much of either dignity or grace.

"Suck me" the black-haired boy answered amiably, and was rewarded with a shrill reprimand from the whistle hanging around Lucius' neck.

"DO I LOOK LIKE A GIRL TO YOU, SNAPE? Now _UP_, gentlemen, or I'll kick you out of bed!"

With much bitter mutterings from the assembled boys, they finally managed to drag themselves out of bed, with a lot of help from Lucius and his whistle.

"Look at it from the bright side" James mumbled, as they stumbled towards their first meeting of the day.

"_Is _there a bright side?" Sirius wondered, giving him an incredulous look.

"Yes, there is" James replied grimly. "And that is that at least the girls have it much worse. At least _we_ don't have _Umbridge_ waking us up."

That thought brought a collective shudder from the boys.

"You're right. That would be much, _much_ worse" Sirius conceded grudgingly.

The girls seemed to be of the same opinion. They looked frankly traumatised. And when Peter wondered what she had done to them, they just shook their heads.

"Let's never, ever talk about it" Lily mumbled, looking green under her freckles.

"Yes. And let's never, ever sing _that song_…" Janna whispered, trance-like.

"Let's kill anyone that ever tries to sing that song" said Clarice, with a bright, slightly insane smile.

Nanette Klein didn't say anything at all. She seemed to be on her good way to become catatonic.

The boys decided that they didn't want to know, and sat down.

"Good morning!" sing-songed Umbridge. The girls grimaced and looked like they were fighting panic. "Today we are going to talk about _Gender Identity_. You all have a problem with your _Gender Identity_, some of you more than others" She gazed pointedly at Clarice and Peter. Clarice snorted derisively and rolled her eyes. Peter glared and curled his fingers like claws. Umbridge smiled her insincere little smile at them. "Yes, that is exactly what I am talking about. Well, the second step of the Five Step Program is for you all to rediscover your real _Gender Identity._ Let us talk about masculinity and its opposite, femininity. You see, there are some things that healthy girls don't do, and some things that healthy boys don't do… or wear, for that matter." She laughed her girly little laugh, and Peter looked practically ready to commit murder.

"Now, I want you all to think of… _Severus!_" Everyone jumped except Severus, who didn't even seem to notice when Umbridge bore down on him like an angry, pink and fluffy hawk. "Have you been listening at all?"

The boy looked up from the book he had been reading in his lap, sneering at her. "Yeah, I heard you, with you masculinity, femininity, blah, blah, blah. I needed some intelligent stimuli to put up with the psycho-babble."

"This psycho-babble, young sir, is the only healthy alternative to the gay lifestyle, other than… than guzzling a bottle of tranquilizers, or slicing your wrists!" Umbridge gave him a furious look, and then turned back to the rest of the group. "I do hope the rest of you are paying attention!"

Remus had. But much as he wanted to be cured, he couldn't really believe in it. The idea that being a boy made you act and dress in certain ways seemed so far-fetched and stupid. He didn't understand the need to put on girl's clothes, but he wasn't very inclined to dress up like… like a plumber or something, and act like a caveman, just because he was a boy.

He also had noticed another thing. As soon as Umbridge turned her back on him, Lucius has made no effort to hide the bored look that crossed his handsome features. But as soon as she was looking in his direction, he was immediately as attentive and admiring as ever, smiling widely and nodding affirmatively at every word. Odd…

"Now, I want you all to think of a trait that you associate with femininity, and one that you associate with masculinity, and write it down in the notebooks that you are handed." Remus was immediately handed a notebook from Lucius. It was blue. "And then, we are all going to discuss what you have written down!"

"Hoorah!" Sirius muttered bitterly, staring down at the notebook in his hands like it was a dead animal or something. Then he picked up his quill, and Remus thought he saw him writing _'Masculinity – Sexiness'_, before a cough from Umbridge made him turn back to his own book, blushing furiously.

* * *

Their first lesson in Step Two was… interesting. First came mechanics. They were all supposed to change oil and adjust some other small, incomprehensible details on a car – which was blue – that they probably only owned for that purpose, since the staff otherwise used floopowder and brooms.

Lucius demonstrated.

"And you shove it in… and add a bit more oil… and pull out, shove it in again…" He was flat on his back under the car, and the way he was moving – as he did something with a twinge to the something-axle – was, to say the least, a bit suspect. Severus was staring in rapt attention, biting his lip, Peter was breathing in an odd, jerky manner, and Sirius was licking his lips, leaning a bit closer. Remus felt his cheeks colouring, and tried desperately not to think of Lucius doing the same thing without clothes. James was looking at the other boys, not bothering to hide his amusement.

"You have to put some muscle into it" Lucius went on, apparently oblivious to the kind of attention that was focused on him. "So just shove it up there, and then you take it out again…" He paused, looking out from under the car. "Who wants to go down with me?" he asked.

Three hands immediately flew into the air. James couldn't help himself, and had to hide his laughter behind a faked coughing-fit. Remus had managed with brute force to prevent himself from raising his own hand, and silently cursed himself for that as Sirius slipped down under the car, smiling broadly at the other boys.

Then came 'some healthy rural body-work'. Namely, chopping wood. Remus had never done that either. He was more the bookish type than a brawny muscleman. But none of the others seemed very apt at it either. Finally, after many tries, James finally managed a hit, cleaving the hunk of wood in two. Remus gasped, Sirius jumped slightly, Severus twitched, and Peter squealed. Lucius heaved a big sigh.

"Boys!" he said exasperatedly. "You know, I could almost swear that I've got a bunch of girls here. Now, look at this." To Remus' infinite embarrassment, he grabbed himself in the groin-regions, grunting, and then spat over his shoulder. "Now, you do the same!"  
Remus was very glad that he couldn't see himself, considering how silly the others where looking.

"Good, now Pettigrew, you're next."

Remus had enough sense to duck before the axe hit him square between the eyes.

"Oopsie!" said Peter.

After that, they were obviously supposed to be playing war-games. Running about and waving plastic guns – blue – around and yelling DIE at invisible foes probably made them look even sillier than when they were grabbing their crotches, but at least there were no sharp implements involved. Lucius had eventually conceded to that the spectators hid behind trees, since Peter definitely didn't have a career as a lumberjack to look forward to. Severus had almost severed his own leg, Sirius got a splinter in his finger at the second try and refused to try again, and Remus was shaking so badly from nerves that even Lucius started to back off, and had called it off at the third try.

Finally, it was over. They all let out big sighs of relief as they slumped down on the grass in the garden. Sirius was nursing his hurting finger, Peter was apologising rapidly to them all for almost killing them, and Remus felt that if he had to stand just one more hour of this, he was going to scream.

"You think _you_ had it bad? _Look_ at us!" The girls had arrived. They were all covered in an inch-deep layer of makeup, large parts of their eyebrows were gone, and they were all dressed up like prom-queens.

"Want to switch?" Peter said dully.

Clarice ignored him. "I have been subjected to torture!" she exclaimed, sitting down and making sure to wrinkle her dress as much as possible.

"Torture?" Remus wondered, aghast.

Lily chuckled grimly. "Umbridge waxed her legs. Believe me, that was nothing for the faint-hearted."

"Yeah, and now they're itching." Clarice pulled off the wig that Umbridge probably had given her so that she would look more feminine, throwing it as far as she could.

"Nice shot" James commented with a completely straight face.

"Well, at least _you_ don't risk loss of limb, do you?" Severus muttered sourly, trying to pick some twigs out of his hair. He had tripped on something and fallen into a thicket of bushes during their battle against invisible forces.

When the girls raised their freshly manicured eyebrows at this, Sirius explained "We've been chopping wood. Look at this!" He held out his hand to Janna, pouting. She smiled at him, tapping his finger with her wand. The splinter seemed to be ejected forcefully trough his skin.

"Ouch! That hurt!"

"It'll stop in a while. Don't be such a girl." And then she dodged, laughing, as all five boys lunged at her at once.

* * *

"So, let's talk about your root, shall we?" Umbridge said, as brisk and cheerful as ever.

"My what?" said Remus, confused.

"The root to your problem. You weren't born like this, Remus. You were born normal. But somewhere along the way, something happened that disturbed your natural development, and that led to your unhealthy preferences. As soon as you find out the reason for your perverseness, you will have taken yet another step on your journey to be cured."

"Oh…" Remus didn't really know what to say. Umbridge smiled at him, widely, showing far too much of her small, strangely pointy teeth for Remus' comfort. "Well, I don't know… I never though about it like that…"

"I think our little sweetheart here is afraid to face up to his past" Sirius said, smiling crookedly at him. Remus fired up immediately.

"Oh, really, and what's your _root_?"

"We're talking about your problem here. You're deflecting." The teasing sparkle in those grey eyes was enough to make Remus grit his teeth with irritation.

"Actually" said Umbridge coldly "it's probably good for Remus to hear some examples. Sirius, you start."

The black-haired boy sighed. "I went to an all-boy boarding-school."

Everyone clapped their hands obliquely. "Very good. Janna?"

"I have a second-cousin who is a transvestite. Works as a drag-queen."

"Lucky him" Peter mumbled, loudly enough for everyone to hear, and scattered giggles mingled with the applause. Umbridge gave Peter a Glare o' Death.

"Peter, your root please."

He sighed. "I was born in France."

Remus was positive that that must've been a joke, but once again everyone clapped their hands, and Umbridge moved to a new victim.

"Severus?"

The boy glared at her behind a curtain of black hair. "My best friend when I was little was a girl."

"Nanette?"

"M-my mother got married in pants."

"Clarice?"

"Traumatic penis." She waggled her eyebrows at Remus, grinning. Umbridge didn't seem to notice.

"James?"

"I like balls" the boy said promptly, sending the class into a collective fit of laughter. Umbridge looked like she had swallowed something sour.

"Would you please care to elaborate?" she said.

James sighed melodramatically, putting on a tragic face. "I suppose it was just one too many shower session with the rest of the team, crowding together in two cabins, naked and wet and soapy…" By this, everyone was more or less in stitches, and James had all the trouble in the world to keep from laughing.

"_Thank you_, yes, that would be enough" Umbridge interrupted hurriedly. "Lily?"

She sighed. "No, I still don't know why I'm a bisexual."

Umbridge sighed deeply. "Now, once again. There is no such thing as bisexuality, there are only various levels of perverseness. If you feel attraction to boys, good, but you won't be cured until you don't feel anything for girls. Do you understand?"

"Yes ma'am" Lily droned. "But I still don't know." As Umbridge gazed coldly at her, she let out a frustrated sigh. "Why is it so important? I like girls and boys. It's just the way I am, it's always been like that!"

"Why is it so important?" she stood up. "I'll tell you this: Until you know what has gone wrong with you, how will you be able to fix it? And you better have a good root by the time for the family therapy, or I am sure your parents will be very disappointed."

She took a deep breath, calming down. She gave Remus a sweet smile. "Just think about it, Remus. I am positive you will find it if you just dig really deep into all those painful memories." She clapped her hands together. "Now we are going to explore one of the most wonderful parts of being a heterosexual: Friendship. Now" she held up a bundle of cards, each of which seemed to have a picture on it. "I want you all to work in two's with these tonight. James, you can pair up with Lucius, since we're one too many. The rest of you partner up and find yourselves a friend for the remainder of the program."

Everyone came to their feet, hurriedly pairing up. Remus was pushed backwards by someone when he tried to sit up, and thus, only he and Sirius remained sitting. The other boy gave him a challenging look. Arms crossed over his chest, Remus reluctantly inched over toward the other boy.

"I have a feeling this is going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship" the other boy said with a wicked grin.

* * *

When dusk fell, little blue and pink lanterns were lit, and the students sat in pairs by small tables at the veranda. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. Lucius had handed out snacks to all of them, and was now discussing quidditch with James. He had apparently forgotten the cards they were supposed to be practising with. Clarice and Janna were sitting with their heads close together, whispering and smiling at each other. Remus could see Severus sitting with his head bowed, talking in a low voice, and Peter listening attentively, his hand resting lightly on Severus'. Even Nanette seemed to have loosened up a bit by Lily's lively chatter.

All of which of course only served to make Remus feel even more rotten. He was still angry with Sirius for… well, he didn't know exactly why he was so angry, and that just made it even worse.

He held up a card. Sirius yawned in an unnecessarily demonstrative manner and leaned back. Remus gritted his teeth.

"What do you see?" he asked with forced calm.

"A man."

"And what more?"

Sirius shrugged nonchalantly. Remus sighed.

"He's a father. A family provider. Men have roles. Once you've learned that, you'll stop objectifying them." Remus didn't believe in it either, but it made him furious that the other boy so obviously wasn't making an effort. It was as if it didn't matter to him.

Sirius rolled his eyes at him, lighting a cigarette. Remus coughed pointedly, and was thoroughly ignored.

"So you mean I should objectify women instead?" Sirius wondered, blowing smoke in Remus' face.

"No! That's _not_ what I meant!"

"Really? Sure sounded like it." On top of it all, Sirius took the last of the snacks. Just like that. That boy was insufferable!

"Can't you make an effort? _Please?_ You obviously don't care about being cured, but would you be so very kind and do it for my sake? I want to be normal, thank you."

Sirius gazed coolly at him. "And how am I supposed to help you with that?"

Remus almost screamed. "Haven't you been listening at all?"

"Yes, I have been listening." For god's sake, now he was polishing his nails!

Remus stood up. "Forget it. Just forget it. I'll go and try to find Khanan or somethi-"

Sirius grabbed his wrist. Hard. Remus stared down at him, and was for a moment stunned by the intensity in the way those slate-grey eyes looked at him.

"Stay."

Remus sat down again, confused. He didn't understand this at all, and he had a feeling that Sirius was playing some kind of game with him. But when he asked the other boy what he wanted, he just got a small smirk in return. Sirius picked up the cards.

"Let me try this" he said amiably.

"Oh, fine…" said Remus, giving up. Obviously, Sirius was completely impossible to understand.

Sirius picked one of the cards, holding it up. "What do you see?"

What Remus saw was two men. Kissing. Without clothes. He stared at it, blushing deeply. And then he screamed in pain.

"OUCH! What the _hell_ did you do that for?!"

Sirius waved the shocker in his face, grinning. "You've got to be more prepared for temptation, Remus, or people are going to think that you are _objectifying_ men. And we don't want that, do we?"

Remus got to his feet, angrier than he could ever remember being. He did the first thing that came to his mind, which was slapping Sirius, and then stormed off.

"Hey Black" James said.

"What?"

"I'm very glad you've never tried to hit on me."

* * *

Football was an utterly debasing experience. Getting dirty. Running around blindly because you were wearing a helmet two sizes too big, that whacked you over the nose every time someone tackled you from behind. Trying to listen to Lucius yelling incomprehensible instructions while trying to avoid colliding with… oh, other people, bushes, trees, walls, thickets of thorny branches with poison ivy hanging to them, things like that. Getting tackled to the ground and held there by another sweaty, dirty young man… Actually, that particular part hadn't been _that _unpleasant.

After an hour, everyone except James were so exhausted that they could barely stand up straight. After ten more minutes, they were tackling each other just to get an excuse to sit down for a while. Eventually, they all ended up in a pile on the ground, unable to get up and too tired to care.

James took off his helmet, pulling a hand through his hair.

"Refreshing" he pointed out. "But very crude."

"Do you _want_ to die, Potter?" Severus wondered, glaring at the other boy. "Because I am only delighted to be of service…"

"Let me help" Sirius pleaded. "I can hold him while you- Oh god… Look."

They all turned their heads to see Khanan, dressed jeans that had been cut off to reveal perfectly sculptured thighs, and the world's tightest shirt, slicked even closer to his skin by sweat. He was standing with his legs spread wide, and between them he had a broomstick that he was holding with the left hand and caressing with the right in an almost obscene way. Or… cross out the 'almost'.

James watched in fascination as all traces of exhaustion disappeared from the faces of the other boys. They came to their feet, staring at the lightly clad man who obviously enjoyed the attention immensely. He didn't envy them when he saw the frustration on their faces, paired with wild longing and… well, raw lust, to be honest.

"_Boys!"_

They all jumped, and turned to stare guiltily at Lucius.

"Don't you see how sad and _pathetic_ you all are? Boys… Wanting something you can't have…" A small, rebellious part of Remus pointed out that he shouldn't be the one talking, considering how his gaze lingered by Khanan's body.

Ex-gay? Hardly.

The rest of Remus agreed heartily, and he glared daggers at Lucius' back. However, he immediately averted his gaze as soon as Lucius turned back to them again, reverting to his old shout.

"If I catch you looking at another man like that, _EVER_ again, you'll be watching _sports!_ The whole weekend!"

The boys hung their heads, which gave Lucius a short extra moment of gazing-time, before he tore his eyes from Khanan and herded his pupils away from temptation.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you very much, all of you. I'm glad to see that the movie isn't completely unknown. And for all those of you that haven't seen it: SEE IT. That's an order from the omnipotent author XD_

_(I was somewhat surprised to see that I was flamed. That actually never happened to me before. But to tell the truth, I just laughed at it. Some people are just too silly for their own good, don't you all agree?)_

_- Lotte_


	3. Love and let love

**A/N:** Well, it's been a while. Or perhaps a bit more than a while. But what with one thing and another, there haven't really been any time for fanfiction in my life. I'll try to get better. Now that I've started school again, there has to be _something_ for me to do while I avoid doing what I _should_ be doing.

* * *

**Chapter three**

**Love and let love**

_- _Funnel of love, Wanda Jackson

* * *

And then it was time for Family Therapy. Remus stood waiting by the door with the others, watching strange cars pull up on the driveway. He saw his father's old Saab parking right behind a very expensive-looking red convertible, from which a very expensive-looking couple were stepping out. The woman was tall and very thin, with brown hair so silky and soft that your fingers ached to touch it, but with eyes so cold and sharp that she made you freeze up and cringe and feel ashamed about your own puny existence. The man driving the car was dressed in a well-tailored grey costume. Diamonds glittered on the watch on his wrist and from the studs on his cuffs, and his grey eyes matched them for brightness as well as hardness. 

He saw Sirius stiffen at his side, lifting his chin and crossing his arms in such an obvious display of defiance and – somehow – vulnerability, that Remus had to look away. He turned his gaze to the woman hugging Peter. It was a very stiff, cold hug. Peter's mother was looking embarrassed, and seemed to be choking down a large number of angry words. Her husband was looking harassed and repulsed, and wouldn't even touch Peter. Remus felt sorry for the other boy.

James' father was laughing and joking and talking just a little bit too loudly to fool anyone. He also kept boxing his son playfully over the shoulder, until James angrily pulled away and hissed at him that could he _please_ refrain from knocking his shoulder out of joint. James' mother was looking disapprovingly around her. She didn't seem to like the place. _You're not alone, lady,_ Remus thought bitterly.

They were ushered inside by a fussing Lucius, sat down in a circle and then tried to avoid looking at each other. Remus felt his mother's hand on his shoulder, squeezing it, and felt like a painful jolt in his stomach how much he had missed them.

Umbridge started prattling about what they had done during the past week. Remus noticed Sirius' mother checking her nails with a studious air of cold indifference. _Now I know where he gets it from_, he thought vehemently, but then he saw the unhappy and helpless expression on Sirius' face, and regretted his thoughts.

"Now, Lily, would you please report out your root?"

Remus was sure that he saw gloating in Umbridge's toadlike features, as Lily blushed faintly under everyone's stares and lowered her head.

"I have no root. You know that."

"Now, Lily, please. Everyone else has really tried, and they have all managed to find the root to their homosexual tendencies. I just don't feel you working with me on this. It's like you don't want to be cured."

Lily angrily turned her face away. "What am I supposed to say? I have always been like this. I even married away my Barbie-dolls to each other when I was little."

"And I stole mother's dress and put it on when I was five" Peter said softly.

"Dressing in drag when you're still in your nappies is a bit different from not having enough Ken-dolls" Sirius' father drawled in a bored voice.

"Now, Mr. Black, that was definitely uncalled for!" Mrs Pettigrew hissed.

"Well, pardon me, but we are paying a lot of money to get our kids fixed, not to sit around and listen to sob-stories about anyone's unhappy childhood all day."

Mrs Black giggled nastily. Her husband continued in a steely voice:

"Sirius, I certainly hope that you are getting more out of this than that… nancy-boy over there." He shot Peter a disgusted look. Peter glared defiantly back at him, tossing his head angrily.

"Jealous because this nancy-boy is getting better sex than you are ever going to have with that inflatable doll you carry around on your arm?" he spat at the older man, nodding at Mrs Black. Peter's mother put a hand over her heart in chock and Nanette's parents cried out in outrage.

Mr Black got to his feet. "I've had enough of this crap" he said coldly. "When we get back from Switzerland, you've better have gotten this gay-thing out of your system. Otherwise… You know what'll happen."

"No college, no car, no money" Mrs Black said, staring down her nose at her son. And then they both swept out of the room. Remus could hear Mr Black talking loudly and angrily to his wife as he started his car.

"…sit in a room with faggots and dykes… what do they think we… bloody freakshow, that's all I'm…"

There was a long, terrible silence, and then Sirius stormed out as well. Remus looked out though the window and saw him standing with his back toward the house, watching his parents drive away. And then he turned away, and Remus caught a glimpse of the expression on his face. Quickly, he turned around and let the curtain drop, feeling miserable and strangely guilty.

"Very well" Umbridge said with false brightness, making everyone – including Lucius and all the parents – wince. "Remus!"

Remus jumped as she suddenly barked his name. "Yes?"

"Your root, please?"

Remus first stared blankly at her. Then he sighed, thinking through his well-rehearsed answer one more time. "Well" he said. "I thought maybe… my family?"

"Oh, good. Go with that."

"Well… I… We have always been… this… greeting-card family, right? But there was one year when father couldn't get a job, so he took care of the house and mother supported the family. So when I saw my father being the mother… maybe I got the wrong ideas about the roles of men and women." Remus hated himself for it. It was complete bullshit, and he knew it.

As he had expected, Umbridge was delighted.

"That's _it_!" She exclaimed, looking so smug that Remus wanted to hit her. "It's obvious. Your father – your natural role-model – was imasculinated! You started seeing men as submissive by nature, and tried to mimic what you saw. That's it! That's why you're a homosexual."

Remus saw his father looking mortified and ashamed, and his mother didn't seem to know where to look, and he wanted desperately to take his words back. It was so stupid. He didn't feel like anything had become better, rather the opposite. He swallowed, trying to get rid of the sick feeling in his stomach. But it just wouldn't go away.

Outside, Sirius was curled up on the stairs, and from the way his shoulders were shaking, Remus knew he was crying.

* * *

It was later that day, when all the parents had packed up and gone home, leaving blessings, admonitions, hearty encouragement and small, pointless gifts of candy to their children. Remus almost felt like he was being bribed. But he supposed he shouldn't be the one to complain. He had very distinctly heard Mrs Evans, on her way out, whispering to her daughter: "Wouldn't it be nice with a car of your own once you graduate from here, sweetheart?"  
And Lily had gritted her teeth and said nothing.  
Remus, however, felt that there were some things he needed to say, so he gathered whatever courage he could spare and went to seek Sirius out. 

He found him on the backyard, hidden behind a thorny thicket. He was sitting on the ground with his knees pressed to his chest, smoking one of his nasty cigarettes. For no reason at all, it appeared, he had stolen one of the hairclips that Umbridge had bestowed on the girls. It was pink, and had a pink kitty with large eyes on it.  
It was amazing how small he looked, all of a sudden.  
Remus sat down beside him, and he moved away. Resolutely, Remus edged after him. Once more, Sirius scrabbled some centimeters over the yellowing grass, leaving a space between the two of them. Remus gave an exasperated sigh.  
"What am I? Contagious?"  
Sirius didn't reply. He kept staring at nothing, but the hand holding the cigarette was now trembling ever so slightly. And suddenly, everything seemed so difficult. Remus had been so sure of what he wanted to say, but now he couldn't even remember why he had wanted to talk to Sirius in the first place.  
"Your… your parents left quite quickly…" he mumbled, and he cursed the air around him for making his voice sound so thin.  
Sirius' eyes flickered slightly, and he replied: "Yes. I can imagine it must be painful to sit for so long with a stick up your arse."  
Remus winced. "You shouldn't…"  
"And why not?" Sirius spat. "They're my parents. I say whatever I feel about them, and if what I happen to feel is pure and unadulterated loathing then what's it to you?"  
Remus shied away. "I didn't mean… I just thought… Well, surely they are only trying to do what is best for you?"  
"Ha!" Sirius' voice was hollow, and cold, slate-grey eyes looked at him mockingly. "I didn't believe it at first, but that "I'm so sweet and innocent"-attitude really isn't an act. Amazing." He shook his head in what Remus thought was a very patronizing way, but that didn't repel him as it had in the beginning. Having seen Sirius displaying such evident frailty took away the edge from the other boy's words.  
"Maybe" he said. "But I… I'm just trying to be cured, so that I can go back to the way I used to live. I don't want to offend anyone; I just want to be normal."  
Sirius sighed, looking up at him. "Please, Remus. This whole thing, this latent heterosexuality and making choices… it's all bullsh-t. It doesn't work. You are what you are. The only trick is not getting caught."  
And for a moment there was something, something that hurt, in his eyes and in every exquisite line of his face. And Remus asked the question that he knew would unlock whatever chains it was that held it back:  
"So why are you here?"  
Sirius looked away. "I got caught." His voice, usually so controlled and smooth, cracked ever so slightly.  
"What happened?"  
"I had… a friend. And we… Well." He shrugged. "My mother caught us in my room one day. They – my parents, that is – had told me they were going to be out, so I thought it was… well… safe."  
"What were you doing?" Remus asked, and cursed himself when he saw Sirius' lips twitch in amusement, felt his own face heat with embarrassment.  
"What do you think?" he drawled, and Remus, who had a very vivid imagination, did not press the issue further. Instead he asked:  
"Were you in love with him?"  
Sirius sighed. "Does it matter? I was sent here. I haven't heard from him since. I know mother told his parents." He shrugged, making a bitter and rather ugly face. "It ended there. What I did or didn't feel didn't have anything to do with it."  
And he stood up and walked away.

* * *

And suddenly, Sirius was everywhere. Okay, so they went to every class together, and the premises weren't very big, so it wasn't strange that they saw each other a lot. It wasn't that. It was just that somehow, he became so much more noticeable, and it wasn't like he hadn't been that in the first place. The Healing Hands Centre seemed to be filled with nothing else except Sirius, no matter where Remus turned. And when he closed his eyes to sleep at night, he was haunted by image after image; Sirius wrestling with James during one of the lessons, Sirius doing obscene things with his fingers as soon as Lucius turned his back to him, Sirius and Clarice doing the chicken dance instead of the waltz they were supposed to be practicing, Sirius comforting Peter when he had received just one too many of Umbridge's nasty little remarks. Sirius being silly and shameless and charming and obnoxious and… and Sirius being Sirius.  
And Sirius when he tore off his shirt to bask in the sun, Sirius undressing for bed, Sirius coming out of the showers, soaking wet and…  
Remus' eyes snapped open as he became acutely aware of that his mind was going in the wrong direction, since his body obviously was very eagerly trying to follow. This was not helped, either, by a sudden stifled moan that from what Remus could tell, issued from Severus' bed. He remembered what Peter had said…  
_"You're so innocent that it's sweet. He uses it for pleasure. Didn't you listen today? The guy's a masochist. He likes pain. So if you hear some strange noises coming from his bed tonight, you'll know what it is."_  
…and blushed in the darkness. Where had he put those earplugs?  
Another moan – and an unbidden thought of what he might do to Sirius to make him sound like that – later, Remus slipped out of bed, his own shocker clutched tightly in his hand, as if it was his only lifeline in a world that was sinking. He needed to find somewhere private. Not that he was going to do something… embarrassing, oh no, he just… just… that is… He was going to go somewhere where he could better resist temptation! Yes, that was it. Far away from Sirius and sleeping boys and Sirius and masochists and Sirius … well, completely ordinary stuff like that…  
And empty room that looked like an office down the corridor proved to be extremely Sirius-free. Not allowing himself to really think of what he was doing, Remus leaned against the wall, pushed down his pyjama-bottoms and… and realised that he was, in fact, not alone in the room.  
Quickly getting acceptable and hoping to god that he hadn't been seen, Remus snuck toward the desk dominating the other half of the room and peered over the opposite edge.  
Janna. Clarice. And… a definite absence of clothes…  
Remus flew back as if an explosion had gone off in front of him, crashing into the wall, with a dull _thunk_. His mind told him to cry out, and so he did.  
"HELP!"  
It was a very stupid thing to cry out, but it was the only thing he managed. Janna and Clarice were on their feet and dressed faster than what ought to be possible, and both of them tried to grab Remus, attempting to shut him up. Which proved to be a bad idea, considering that Remus was still holding his shocker, and he was panicked enough to use it. There was a brief and – for the girls, at least – painful struggle, and then the lights came on.  
The three youths blinked, uncertain, and then all hell broke loose.  
"_What do you call this?!_" shrieked Umbridge. "Premature sexual simulation?!"  
"They were kissing!" Remus gasped, but was drowned by a flood of desperate denials from Janna and Clarice.  
"Bullshit! We were just… this…!"  
"Nothing happened, we weren't…!"  
"Janna" said Umbridge, and her voice was low and deadly cold. "I am disappointed. I thought you had what it took to get out of here clear. And as for you…" She turned her gaze on Clarice, and Remus swallowed hastily when he saw the loathing there. But she didn't say anything else, just grabbed the two girls by the shoulders and marched them away. She didn't even look back at Remus. And that was just as well, for the moment she turned away, his knees gave way. He sunk down on the carpet, shivering as if he never would stop.

* * *

Remus woke up in an empty room, cringing as memories from the evening before reached him. He had a feeling he was not going to be very popular now. He dressed slowly in the ghastly blue uniform of the Healing Hands centre, watching the clouds drift past outside the widows… which were tinted blue. This place went beyond creepy and careened off on some completely unknown scale. 

He dragged his feet on his way to the kitchen, his head throbbing with the beginning of a headache. The passed night kept playing and replaying itself in his mind, and he wasn't even sure he wanted it to stop. Maybe he deserved it.

Going back to bed had been the worst part of it. He had to pass Umbridge's office on his way there, and it had been impossible not to hear the raised voices inside. Janna seemed to be terrified; Clarice anguished and angry.

"_I can't go back home. They won't let me!"_

"_I'm not interested in anyone's sob-stories. I want to know who started it! Who? Someone has got to start talking!"_

Shaking his head, trying without success to clear it, Remus gritted his teeth and stepped into the kitchen. A wall of silence hit him. Everyone was staring down at their plates and pushing their breakfast around miserably. Sirius was slumped over on the table with his head propped on his arms. Lily was relentlessly stabbing a piece of sausage with her fork. Peter was sobbing quietly.

Janna and Clarice weren't there.

Trying not to look at anyone, Remus took a seat by the table and started butter a piece of toast that quite possibly had fossilised since it had been put on the table. The scraping of the buttering knife was all that was to be heard.

"Hey, guys…"

Clarice was standing in the doorway, a packed bag in her hands. She looked forlorn and a lost, and strangely misplaced now that she was wearing her own clothes instead of her pink uniform. Peter jumped to his feet with a small whimper and drew her into a hug. One by one, they all said goodbye to her, wishing her good luck and telling her to take care of herself. Remus, not sure what to do with himself, just watched. But when she turned to leave, he finally found his voice again.

"Where's Janna?" he asked.

Clarice turned around and looked at him with a gaze that seemed to go right through him. "Umbridge let her stay, but she locked her up in the small outhouse in the garden. I don't know when she'll come out."

"Oh… I… Where will you go now?"

She shrugged, looking uneasy. "Don't know, really. Anywhere. Wherever I go is better than here, anyway."

And she turned and walked away.

Remus sat down again, his head spinning. Clarice had no home now. Probably no money either. What was she supposed to do? Why had he panicked like that? Why couldn't he just have walked away?

"I wish I could've seen those girls in action. Before _someone _turned Mary Sue on us," Lily said coldly, not looking up from her sausage-torturing.

"If anyone would've squealed on me," Severus said, throwing Remus a filthy look, "heads would have rolled."

"Oh, really? What would you do? Tie him to your bed and zap him to death? Or are you running low on batteries?" There was some muffled, awkward laughter, and Sirius was staring angrily at Severus. "Just give him a break, okay?"

He got no answer, but Severus got to his feet, blushing angrily, and stormed out of the room. Some seconds later, Peter followed him.

Remus said nothing. He was glad that Sirius had defended him, but he sure as hell hadn't deserved it.

* * *

"Hey, Remus!" 

"Sirius."

"Uhm… are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

There was a long, awkward silence, and then Sirius put his hand under Remus' chin and lifted it gently but firmly. "_I'm_ not angry with you."

"Yeah, well…"

"Oh, so what? You probably just panicked. Clarice wasn't angry with you."

"How do you know that?" Remus tried to look away, but suddenly Sirius' hand on his chin turned into a vice-grip.

"Because if she was, she would've knocked you out flat, you stupid thing." Despite that there was impatience in his voice, his eyes were warm. "She understands, don't you worry. And besides, I don't think she really wanted to be here anyway."

"None of us do," Remus answered quietly. "But that doesn't mean we want to leave. You don't, do you?"

Sirius' face hardened, and he looked away. "No. I don't."

"Well, neither did Clarice. And her parents won't let her come back."

"Well, that's not your fault."

"But…"

"No! Listen to me." There was a kind of urgency in Sirius' voice that he had never heard before, a deep undertone of emotion that made it tremble and almost fail. "That Clarice has nowhere to go right now is her parents' fault, do you hear me? No one else's. If they don't let her come back home because of something she cannot help, then something's wrong with them. And even if Clarice would've stayed, even if she would've graduated, that wouldn't have changed that there is something wrong with them. You don't try to change your child, Remus! You let them be what they are and you love them for it."

Remus closed his eyes, not wanting for Sirius to see just how deep those words had really struck him. "My parents love me," he whispered.

Sirius' hand loosened its grip on his chin and instead came to rest gently against his cheek. "I'm sure they do, Remus," he said soothingly, "but that doesn't change the fact that this is wrong. They want you to become something you're not, something you've never been." He put his hand over Remus' mouth when he tried to protest. "Don't you try. You're as gay as the rest of us – well, not James – and I'm quite sure that you've never been anything else.

There is nothing that can be done about it. _And that is a good thing_. We aren't the ones that have to change."

Remus slowly lifted his gaze and looked into the storm of pearly-grey sincerity that was the other boy's eyes. For a moment, all protests were swept from his mind, and he didn't even know why he was trying to argue.

"But… everyone still dislikes me" he finally managed, sounding rather petulant and childish even to his own mind. Sirius gave him a tight little smile.

"They're all frightened. That could've been them, and they all know it. They're just as cured as Clarice ever was. And I think Snape is so terrified that he can barely think straight – pardon the pun. That is why he is being so nasty."

"Why?" Remus mumbled.

"Didn't you see his dad?" Sirius said darkly. "He was stark raving mad. I wouldn't want to be in Snape's shoes if he fails."

Remus looked down, swallowed what he wanted to say, for he had a feeling that it would only do harm. But the question still echoed in his head:

_What will your parents do to _you_ if you fail?_

* * *

**A/N: **Oh, the drama. 

Hah, oh yes, in the movie André says "...before _someone_ turned Nancy Drew on us". I just couldn't resist changing it to "Mary Sue".


End file.
